


What if...

by Magnonette



Series: A lot can happen to Snufkin [12]
Category: Moominvalley (Cartoon 2019), Mumintroll | Moomins Series - Tove Jansson, 楽しいムーミン一家 | Moomin (Anime 1990)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, MoominMamma knows everything, She's the best mother in the world, Suicidal Thoughts, dealing with depression, dealing with horrible thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:47:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29639733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magnonette/pseuds/Magnonette
Summary: Snufkin has always been considered the cool-headed guy for everyone that knew him.Little did they know that behind the cool façade was a darker side of him, that even Snufkin was trying to muffle.
Series: A lot can happen to Snufkin [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1441966
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	What if...

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning for: Suicidal thoughts and Graphic violence thoughts.

Snufkin was always considered to be the cold-headed one, the one that always kept calm in the face of danger and came up with a solution to their problems. All of his friends always asked him how he could be so calm, clear-headed, all the time. Of course, Snufkin would just shrug it off, not really sure what to reply.

What they didn’t know was that Snufkin wasn’t always like he seemed. He didn’t like people seeing his darker side, didn’t like the idea of them even knowing about it. He didn’t like being the center of their amazement, but he’d take that over them knowing what actually went on in his brain.

You see, Snufkin wasn’t always so clear-headed. For years, so long that he couldn’t even remember when it started, he’d been the subject of weird and absurd thoughts. At first, it wasn’t anything too bad, just quick things, like wondering what would happen if he ate this or that despite knowing that they were certainly poisonous or, at the very least, probably dangerous and would make him sick for a day or two.

The only problem was, it didn’t stop at that. With time, the strange urges only got worse and worse, it was still bearable at first, but with time, and with the stress he felt over what would others think of him if they found out, it started to get too much for him.

Sometimes, he’d just be cutting vegetables for his supper and a thought like What if I accidentally cut my finger off? would come to him. He’d shake it off of course but the more it happened, the less he could push them away.

He could be observing the Valley on the mountain and, suddenly, he’d think What if I stepped too close to the edge and fell? or What if I let myself fall head first to the bottom?.

It was getting worse with time, and he was started to get lost in them. He was pretty sure it would be a question of time before something happened, before someone would find him lost in his dark thoughts and start questioning him.

That day was a particularly bad day. He had had troubles sleeping and was very tired. Moomin had come to spend time with him, to fish with him next to the river. Snufkin had offered him to let him try a new recipe he’d learned from south.

He was cutting the fish carefully when it happened again.

What if I accidentally cut off my hand?

Everything seemed to become background noise to him, all he could hear was his own voice asking him this question, echoing in his head.

“-t’ll be good, right Snuf? Snufkin?” Moomin asked as he noticed that his friend didn’t seem to be listening anymore. “Snufkin? Are you alright?” He asked as he reached out to touch Snufkin’s shoulder, making him look up at him in surprise, as if he’d just realized he was there. “Are you okay?” 

“I- Yes. Of course.” Snufkin chuckled awkwardly, trying to wave it off. “I just got lost in my thoughts that’s all.”

“Oh? What were you thinking about?” Moomin asked, curious as to what made his friend zone out like that. 

“Oh. Hm. Well, I was wondering if we shouldn’t, hm, get some more fishes for MoominMamma.” Snufkin tried to come up with something quickly, looking down at the fish in his paw.

“Oh! What a good idea! Then I’m sure Mamma can teach you her own recipe too! So you can exchange your recipes.” Moomintroll cheered.

“If that’s something she’d like sure.” Snufkin nodded, glad that Moomin seemed satisfied with his explanation.

Later, as they were back to fishing, Moomin thought back on Snufkin’s strange behavior. He’d never seen him zone out like that before. And, now that he thought of it, he was pretty sure he’d noticed Snufkin’s paw, the one holding the knife, slowly moving on top of his other paw. Was Snufkin really saying the truth then? It looked like something more important was in his mind than what he’d told him. He glanced at the boy laying next to him, his hat over his face, napping peacefully. He’d noticed that he seemed very tired today, maybe it was just because of that that he’d zoned out after all. Maybe he was just worrying over nothing.

The next day wasn’t better for Snufkin. He’d spent all night tossing and turning in his bedroll, unable to sleep, stuck with his stupid thoughts. Even then he was plagued with them.

What if I fell asleep and never woke up? What if I tied my scarf tightly around my neck and tucked the other end under my heavy bag, so it strangles me in my sleep? What if I bang my head against the ground until I fall asleep?

It was too much for him. He didn’t know how long he could last without doing something stupid. But, he didn’t know how to cure it, how to deal with them and make them go away. 

So, there he was, very sleep-deprived, looking at his fire while drinking his cup of coffee, hoping that all those thoughts would go away from themselves and that the coffee would help him feel a little more awake.

What if I put my hand in the fire?

He shook his head, groaning when he got lightheaded and putting a paw to his temples.

“Snufkin!” He looked up to see the usual young troll that was his friend running to him, waving hello at him. 

He smiled softly as he watched his friend almost slip into the river when he stumbled on the bridge, quickly recovering to continue his course to his friend.

“Good morning, Snuf!” Moomin greeted with a beautiful smile. “Are you ready for our hike?”

He looked so excited, so happy to go on a simple hike, that Snufkin couldn’t help but chuckle a little.

“Why, of course, my friend.” He said, drinking the last of his coffee before getting up to go wash the cup in the river. 

What if I let myself fall into the river and get swiped away by the flowing water?

“We’d better be off quickly if we don’t want Little My to come follow us.” He smirked at the troll, ignoring another bad thought.

Moomin nodded eagerly, watching him as he went to put away to cup. Snufkin looked up for a moment, searching for any sign of a changing weather before nodding to himself and starting to walk, leading the way towards the mountain.

The walk had been good and peaceful so far. The boys had talked for a little while before falling into a peaceful silence, as they tend to. Then, as they were making their way up one of the many stiff paths of the mountain, Moomin walked a little closer to the edge, looking at the scenery.

“Look Snuf! It’s so beautiful from up here.” He said in awed.

“It really is, isn’t it.” Snufkin smiled as he joined his friend’s side.

What if I accidentally fell down right here?

Snufkin tried to ignore it again, absently looking down. He almost choked at the view of how high they were, how close to the edge he was standing.

What if… Just another step… Closer to the edge…

The voice was drowning out everything else again, soft and tempting. It was as if he could feel a presence by his side, putting its hand on his back, gently pushing him forward.

Without even realizing it, he took a step forward.

Moomin was just admiring the beautiful landscape that was in front of him. He was so happy to be able to share this beautiful view with his best friend. He turned to look at Snufkin, expecting him to be looking at the view as well with a thoughtful look, as he always had.

What he didn’t expect to find was his friend looking down at the empty space close to them. Without even leaving the poor troll a second to wonder what he was doing, the boy slowly took a step forward.

As expected from the look of the ground close to the edge, the path gave way under him, leaving him falling suddenly.

Moomin hurried to catch him as he realized what was happening, failing miserably to reach him. He didn’t give up, however, sliding down after his friend, in a more controllable way. He managed, at the very last second, to catch his friend’s wrist as this one was being thrown over the edge, leading to a very dangerously high fall.

Snufkin gasped as he was thrown back against the cliff’s side violently, the force of the impact taking the air out of him.

Moomin groaned as he pulled Snufkin back up onto the path, thanking the Tove for how light his friend was and how easy it was to actually pull him up. As soon as Snufkin was on the path, Moomin took him in his arms, not waiting to ask Snufkin his permission, and quickly, but carefully took him back to the higher path, to a more stable part of it.

There, he slowly put down his friend before pulling him in a hug. Snufkin, still not sure what was happening and stunned, let him cling to him for a moment, eventually even leaning into the embrace.

“Are you okay?” Moomin eventually asked, pulling away from his friend to get a better look at him. “Oh, no. Your leg!” Moomin gasped at the sight of Snufkin’s cut leg, bleeding heavily under him.

“Oh…” Snufkin only said, feeling very numb. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do, what he was supposed to say.

“We need to stop the bleeding and take you to Mamma.” Moomin declared looking around. “How can we stop the bleeding though? We didn’t take anything with us…”

“Ah… Wait.” Snufkin slowly reached out to his left pocket, searching for a moment before getting out an old looking roll of bandage, and handing it to Moomin.

“Oh! That’ll do!” Moomin nodded, taking it from him without waiting to see if his friend wanted to do it himself.

He quickly wrapped Snufkin’s bleeding leg with the bandage, making it tight, just like his mother had taught him, so it would help stop the bleeding. He then looked up at his friend, noticing that this one hadn’t really said anything and seem very distant, like he wasn’t realizing what had happened to him.

“Snufkin?” Moomin said, taking the boy’s face in his paws to get a better look at him.

“Huh?” Snufkin distantly reacted.

“I’ll carry you to Mamma.” Moomin announced.

He hadn’t noticed anything worrying about Snufkin’s head, just small cuts and bruises, but the way he was acting now was strange. And since when did he have those big circles under his eyes? He needed to get him to MoominMamma.

He didn’t have any trouble carrying Snufkin back to the house, still surprised by how unresponsive Snufkin was about being carried, and about the whole affair.

As they arrived home, they were quickly ushered inside by MoominMamma, who’d seen them arriving, and immediately knew something was wrong. Thankfully for them, it was only MoominMamma at home, with MoominPappa in his study. No Little My around to bother them.

Moomin set Snufkin on the couch, as Mamma ordered, sitting next to him as MoominMamma examined Snufkin’s leg.

“It’s nothing too big, but the wound is pretty large. Thankfully, it’s not deep, so it’ll heal on its own. I’ll just clean it and bandage it. You’ll have to be careful with it, and make sure to clean it, so it heals properly.” She explained as she worked, only quickly glancing up when Snufkin only hummed faintly in response to her instructions.

When she was done she got up, taking Snufkin’s head in her paws to examine it. After a moment she looked straight into Snufkin’s eyes.

“So, what happened?” She asked, staring at him. 

“I- Hm-” Snufkin wasn’t sure what to say, still not sure himself of what had happened.

“We were just looking at the view.” Moomin started to explain when Snufkin stayed silent. “I just saw Snufkin step forward and then the ground gave up from under him.” He said quietly, looking at his friend in concern.

“Why did you step forward?” MoominMamma asked the boy, knowing that something was wrong.

Snufkin’s face went place, a scared look of realization slowly making its way on his face. He was only now realizing what he’d done. He couldn’t do this anymore, he couldn’t hide it.

“I stepped forward.” Snufkin mumbled.

“Why?” MoominMamma pushed, gently but seriously.

“Be- because- He told me…” Snufkin wasn’t even sure what he was saying, what he was admitting.

“Who told you?” She continued to push, a little more gentle.

“He- I- I wanted to-” Snufkin was starting to shake a little, the aftershock of what had happened showing its effects on him. “I wanted to know what would happen if…” He stopped himself.

“If what?” She pushed, caressing his cheek with her thumb.

“If I fell down…” Snufkin finished in an almost impossible to hear whisper.

Moomin was shocked into silence next to him, looking at him with worried eyes. Since when had his friend wanted to do such things? Why? What could have possibly happened to him to drive him to such acts?

On the other paw, MoominMamma just sighed before smiling gently at Snufkin, sitting next to him to pull him into a hug, one of her paws coming to rub circles on his back as he clung to her.

“Since when did you start having those thoughts?” She asked him quietly.

“I- I don’t know.” Snufkin mumbled into her fur. “So long…”

“Did something happen?” Moomin asked hesitantly, reaching out to rub Snufkin’s shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting way.

“Not particularly.” Snufkin shook his head against MoominMamma. “It just… It just keeps getting worse.” His voice was getting thicker, letting them know he was close to tears. “It won’t let me sleep either.” He complained painfully, burying his face deeper into MoominMamma’s fur as she tightened her grip on him.

“Why didn’t you tell us about it?” Moomin asked, trying his best not to sound hurt, knowing that it would only make Snufkin feel worse.

“I didn’t want to-” Snufkin stopped himself. “I didn’t want to bother. Didn’t want you to think that I was this kind of person.”

“It’s not bother, dear.” MoominMamma reassured. “And no matter what’s bothering you it won’t change who you are and how much we love you.” She nuzzled at his hair lovingly. “We’ll help you know. Don’t worry.” She reassured.

She kept hugging Snufkin for a while longer, Moomin joining in as well, not able to stop himself anymore. Snufkin let them hug him, clinging to them in return. 

When they finally let go of each others, Snufkin finally feeling calm enough to let go, he looked up at MoominMamma with pleading eyes.

“You know how to stop them?” He asked weakly. “You know what they are?”

“I think I do actually.” MoominMamma smiled gently at him, letting her paw run through his messy hair.

“What is it?” Moomin asked, curious and worried about his friend’s condition. “Is it bad?”

“I believe those thoughts you’ve been having are called intrusive thoughts.” She explained. “They aren’t very dangerous if you only have them now and again, as long as you know not to listen to them. But, they can get really dangerous if you start letting them get to you. When you start trying what they told you is when you need to really talk about it to someone, to reach out for help.”

“Do you know how to cure it?” Moomin asked, giving her a pleading look as well.

“Now, now, I’m not sure if it will cute it.” She warned. “But, it should at least lessen them and help you deal with them. I can also give you some medicine to help you sleep for a while, and you can stay at MoominHouse too. A nice and warm bed might help you sleep better as well.” She said as she walked to the kitchen.

Moomin turned to look at Snufkin, looking at him with his pleading eyes.  
“Will you stay? At least, until you can sleep better?” He asked.

“I-” Snufkin wasn’t sure. “I don’t want to be a bothe-”

“You’re never a bother!” Moomin grabbed his head suddenly, not even letting him finish his word. “You are not a bother. Never will be.”

“I- O- Okay.” Snufkin said, not sure what else to say. “I’ll stay.”

“Good.” Moomin nodded, content.

“It’s a good decision.” MoominMamma said as she came back with two cups of medicine. “Here. Drink those. I’ll teach you how to make them yourself once you’re rested.” She kissed Snufkin’s hair as he drank. “Now,” She said as Snufkin gave her back the empty cups. “You should go upstairs to rest. You can stay with us until you feel better, alright?”

“Yes. Thank you, Mamma.” Snufkin nodded, a little shyly.

“I’ll come with you!” Moomin announced. “I’m sure I can help you sleep too! I’ll just tell you Pappa’s stories until you fall asleep.” He said proudly.

Both MoominMamma and Snufkin chuckled at that, Snufkin thanking him again for the help. He let himself be led to the guest bedroom, still a little hesitant, as Moomin rambled about how he’d heard Pappa’s stories so many times he was sure he could retell them just the way his father had before.

They both stopped awkwardly in front of the guest bedroom door, staying silent for a moment.

“If- hm- If you don’t feel like it…” Moomin tried nervously. “You can always sleep with me… I wouldn’t mind. I could help you, if you have those horrible thoughts again.”

“I- I think I’d like that.” Snufkin nodded, blushing a little.

With that agreed upon, they both set off to walk up the second flight of stairs to Moomin’s bedroom. There, Moomin invited Snufkin to get comfortable in bed, tucking him in carefully, before he sat next to his friend, starting to tell the stories he remembered of his dad.

It worked quite affectively, as Snufkin found himself slowly drifting away before he even knew it, probably helped by the medicine as well. As he felt himself finally succumb to the call of sleep, he let out a last expression of his gratitude to his friend, to make sure he knew how much it meant to him.

“Thank you, Moomee.”

Moomin smiled softly as he watched his friend fall asleep, his breathing slowly evening and his face softening.

“Sleep well, Snuf.” Moomin whispered, pressing a moominkiss to the mumrik’s forehead. “I hope you feel better soon. I’ll do anything to help you.” He promised.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> So, here is another fic... Am I projecting again? ... Maybe? :3c  
> I wasn't going to have him actually listen to those thoughts originally, but, when I was talking to my good friend Praise (:3c hey pal) I thought of this path and couldn't not take it.


End file.
